We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
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