I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
