I wish I could punch you in the face.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
