MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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