Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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