im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
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