I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
