Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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