Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
