Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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