she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
