i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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