Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
