I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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