Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
