dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
