Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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