Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
