i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
