If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
