Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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