Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
