I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
we're making bets on your personal life
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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