I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
