I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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