Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
