I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
