You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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