do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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