I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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