i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize