yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
