why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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