Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
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