Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
