Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
