Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
