mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
