I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
