Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
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