the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
