if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
