none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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