I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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