New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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