Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
