i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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