Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
