watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
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