My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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