I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
