Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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