She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
