i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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