I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
